Oh My Gosh!!
Despite the fact I wrote this in January, only a few days after going natural, I feel so embarrassed reading through it.
The most embarrassing thing is I wrote it!!
I'm so ashamed of the way I used to think but I've published it anyway so as to be honest about my journey, the mental and emotional ups and downs.
I hope my honesty helps other people who are struggling with going natural by showing that you're not the only one who has tuff times, but also, not only does it get easier, it becomes
A PLEASURE & A PRIVILEGE to rock Afro hair!!
Anyway Flashback to January 26 2011 - A Bad Day:
Right now I don't want to talk cos Im that upset.
Its frustration.
Im so frustrated and not used to being me. My hair is a nightmare, and although it looks good or ok right now, I feel like Im just holding on cos at any minute it could end up looking sh*t.
I didn’t have time to video this and its probably a good thing Im out on the street at the moment cos otherwise I’d be indoors crying.
There’s so many psychological issues wrapped up in my hair, like…I feel like I’ve just reverted back to being 13yrs old....
... I look like a clueless, immature teenage girl....
...I feel like I look like an idiot…but its funny cos when I look at other naturals I don’t think that.
Now Im looking at black girls with relaxed hair with envy, and I know that’s wrong but I feel ugly…sort of… but more importantly and worse, I feel like a failure. Its not just because of my hair but more because I spent so long on prepping it yesterday, just for it to come out sh*t today. Its not fair! And I feel like Im the only one having this stupid trouble, and I feel stupid for letting it get to me.
Im so upset that my hair has made me late. Why should it? Why can’t I just brush it and it be ok?
On the other hand Im upset because I think, why cant I just accept myself?
I feel like its not fair but I don’t know exactly what isn’t fair – is it the fact I cant do my hair, or the fact my hair is this texture, or the fact that I feel so unacceptable with my hair like this?
Part of me feels like before I didn’t know why I was doing a blog and why I started the twitter but now I’ve realised Im doing it for me because I need help and I need to learn sooo much. And maybe as well as helping myself, I can help others.
I feel like a 2nd rate citizen in terms of beauty! How do I shake that feeling? I know if anyone else felt like this I’d tell them “No Way!” cos they shouldn’t feel like that.
I need my hair pages to keep me inspired, so I have somewhere to look when I need to remember that beauty is more than just 1 thing.
I need help!!
